Topic: The Inhospitable Hallmark
Welcome to Hallmark, But Don't Drink Our Water!
One of the first things I noticed as we walked the nearly half mile maze from the main entry point to our team's workspace was how unfriendly, scowling and miserable the majority of the Hallmarkers appeared.
I was part of a ten member consulting team, handpicked, drug tested and background checked to work on what I will call here, Operation Hellmarch. We were told how valued and crucial our presence was on this project that would change the way Hallmark does business. On the second day when two of us stopped at a water cooler to get a drink of water, a wild-haired, bespectacled Hallmarker leapt up out of his chair from inside his cubicle two aisles away like an irate jack-in-the-box and bellowed,
"THAT'S OUR WATER AND YOU'RE
NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING IT!!
WE HAVE TO PAY FOR IT OUT OF OUR OWN POCKETS!!"
My first Hallmark Moment.
Clearly, unlike the "water for souls" exchange program in Hell, there is no water to be had at Hallmark unless you purchase it with cold, hard cash. I am not sure which was more stunning, his unabashed, furious display of pettiness, or the fact that Hallmarkers are made to pay for the water from the cooler.
I have been an independent contractor for over ten years and have worked in more than one hundred places and have never been confronted with such a territorial, miserly, selfish, rude response to such a benign act as that of drawing a six-ounce cup of water from a water cooler. On the contrary; my experience without exception has been that once I've been shown my workspace, I am given a tour, shown the restroom and break room where I am told to make myself at home and help myself to coffee, tea, cocoa and, (yes, even) water from the water cooler.
In less than ten minutes after the enraged water-warden's reprimand, a sign printed up in approximately 90-pitch, bolded, highlighted in neon yellow and posted admonishing:
THIS WATER IS
ONLY FOR
THE CSC DEPT!
Okay, we got the point, no water.
Not Only Are You Going To Hell,
You're Going to Have to Hike There
In retrospect, I guess I should have known when we were issued parking permits to park in a parking lot four-tenths of a mile from where we worked that Hallmark was not going to be the whimsical, charming and delightful-Hoops-and-YoYo place to work that one might foolishly imagine. Never mind there are several parking lots closer. There is even underground parking ("Interview Parking") in our building; however, we are not permitted to park there. For some, the nearly half-mile walk each way may be a welcome opportunity to get in a little cardio, but I am not one of those people. It certainly didn't help that we had to trek the scant half-mile while lugging our own daily rations of water and any other creature comforts of which we were sure to be denied.
Signs-a-Poppin'
Two days after the water warden marked his department's territory, a sign was posted in the break room closest to our work area issuing a similar warning:
THIS COFFEE
IS ONLY
FOR THIS DEPT!
When a team member asked if we could use the coffeemaker if we brought our own coffee, we were told the coffeemaker was the personal property of someone in that department and that our Project Manager would inquire on our behalf. I knew a favorable outcome would not be forthcoming when I learned she was the same person who, when I asked if we could use the refrigerator to store our lunches, gave me such a dirty look you would have thought I asked to use the fridge as my personal toilet. Our Project Manager later informed us that her response was a firm "no."
So now, no coffee. The Hallmark Moments just keep rolling in.
It certainly sucks to be Hallmarkers who not only have to pay for their own water and coffee, but must also supply their own coffeemaker. No wonder they're so cranky. I am curious to know how much comes out of their paychecks to cover the electricity used to make the coffee. I wonder if after reading this article some miserable Hallmarker will steal my idea and create a line of Sucks to Be You cards. [Be forewarned, Hallmarkers, I will protect my idea with the same fervor you safeguard your water!]
At first I was amazed and incredulous that this incessant outpouring of generosity erupted from the same company that invented Hallmark Holidays such as Boss's Day, Friendship Day, Grandparents Day, Parent Holidays, Secretaries Day and Sweetest Day - to name a few. But when I realized these Hallmark Holidays were undoubtedly created for commercial gain and intended to guilt-induce people into buying cards during the off-season when card sales were low, I recognized the pattern of greed. Despite their wicked, covetous ways, throughout the Hallmark Crown Center complex, work stations are populated with various colorful, well-known, licensed products such as Snoopy and Woodstock, The Simpsons and Hoops and YoYo. Paper plates, napkins and cups abound with the images of The Fantastic Four, Harry Potter, Kim Possible and countless other cheery characters - proving to be an unsuccessful attempt to cover-up the pungent avarice and miserliness of Hallmark.
The first Operation Hellmarch deserter never returned after day-one (two-tenths shy of a mile!) and therefore missed out on the water prohibition. The second renegade left at the end of the first week with four solid miles to her credit - under the guise of having been offered a permanent position with a nationwide company. I'm sure she regrets missing the pageantry and fanfare of the coffee ban and the outlawed use of the coffeemaker. The third, who, once she recovered from being positively scandalized and incensed over the pettiness, found a way to have fun with it. Unfortunately, she bailed in the middle of week two, with five point six miles clocked on her pedometer. I thank her for the daily chant "Welcome to Hallmark But Don't Drink Our Water!" she issued as we passed the forbidden water coolers, which, not coincidentally, is the source of the title of this article.
Seven and six-tenths of a mile later, I left my post on the team. I was the fourth to jump ship after week two. I guess there were just too many Hallmark Moments for me. I understand from the remaining six Operation Hellmarchers that another break room has been seized by the Hallmarker-Nazis and new signs continue to pop up all over the third floor, barring access to assorted coffee/makers and microwave ovens. I'm convinced that if Hallmarkers didn't have to wear so many hats - policing break rooms, guarding coffeemakers and posting warning signs - in addition to performing their own jobs, there would be no reason to bring in independent contractors. Just a thought.
I wonder if my remaining comrades will eventually be barred from using the restrooms. Will they be forced to use the fire escape instead of the elevators? Will a new sign be posted making it mandatory that they hike four-tenths of a mile with an eight-hour tank of oxygen strapped to them?
Overnight, the team is down to five. Soon there will be none. I wonder if the signs will then come down.
I am now clear as to why Hallmarkers are such a wretched bunch. Such an inhospitable atmosphere would make even Hoops and YoYo miserable and toxic - if they required water for sustenance. Perhaps Hallmark should rethink their drug-free environment policy. I'm convinced the overall demeanor of the Hallmarkers would be greatly enhanced if random testing was a non-issue.
Something as plentiful and pure as a cup of water has become Hallmark's hallmark of pettiness. The humble yet ubiquitous neon yellow highlighter will forever be a cruel reminder of my inhospitable host.
The upside is that Hallmark has given me a new appreciation for the hospitality that is extended to me by my client companies. I am compelled to stock up on Thank You cards, but they won't bear Hallmark's trademark crown. I hope that the conscientious consumer will contemplate all the dehydrated, oppressed people it took to create that Hallmark card and place it back on the shelf. I'll stick to whatever the competition has to offer.
Copyright Gitan's Musings 2008
mischievious
don't ask
a-ok
cheeky
quizzical
bright
), it occurred to me that I might organize a similar institution of "WACT Sunday Brunch." "WACT" is a acronym for Wimmin of All Colors Together. Since it is not my intention to exclude wimmin who are not wimmin of color (I already know where they are), ALL wimmin are certainly welcome. However, my goal is to meet other LOCs (Lesbians of Color) in my community and to cultivate a circle and network of friends. 
